it’s been a long while since i last posted, and I deeply apologize for that. I will be posting again as soon as possible. Life you know, adulting is what it is. Why were we in a hurry to become adults as kids hahaha. See you soon and remember “Be you, and be the best you that you can be.”
Having kids has been a bit of a sore spot for me lately. A few months back I went in for a Doctors appointment. I needed too talk to my Doctor about my period, my time of the month Aunt Flow, the swirling blood of hell whatever you want to call it. I have very irregular cycle; I may get it two maybe three times a year if at all. At the moment she said it’s most likely due to my weight and it should regulate when and if I lose the weight. Which has not been easy at all. I mean I don’t weight the same as I used too due to losing some weight. I was 290lbs and now I’m 256lbs.
It’s never easy losing weight I’m just for some reason having an extremely tough time losing the amount I need too. On top of me having Fibromyalgia, which means my body is in pain all the time. Which makes losing weight harder. Exercise hurts too begin with, if you put me being in pain all the time on top of it, well not a good feeling. It’s several days after a one thirty-minute session of exercise before I can exercise again.
So, because I don’t have regular periods my doctor said it’s not impossible, but it will be extremely hard for me too have kids. In the same breath she tells me if my period doesn’t regulate, I’m at risk for possible cancer in my future. She’s a great Doctor don’t get me wrong, but she could’ve eased up on adding on the disappointment too my life. She could’ve prepared me for more bad news. That was a lot of and big information for me to take in, especially in one sitting. For me to find out I may not be able too have kids was a punch too the gut. I always pictured myself having kids.
Yes, I could adopt but adoption is not an easy process. Adoption is not a cheap process and applying for adoption is no guarantee I would be approved. Yes, when I’m with someone I want kids with the process too have a child would be fun. I just don’t want something as enjoyable and fun as sex too become work. These days I’m not so inclined too have kids. I’m not saying I won’t want to ever have kids again it’s just I’m tired of bad news continually coming my way. I’m also now on the birth control implant to help regulate my period. I had too received the version that helps prevent pregnancy. It’s either prevent possible cancer or not take birth control and try for kids when I’m with the person I want kids with. Even with the implant my period is still an issue. Yes, I’m having it more consistently but Its still a few months in between.
Sometimes I feel bad because I start thinking about those in worse situations then myself. Like those who actually have cancer, like those who actually can’t have kids at all. I sometimes feel I have no right too complain. I have it easy compared to most.
So, I signed up too go back to college and I signed up for Human Services. Working with kids is something I always wanted to do. Whether it was teaching them in a school or something in Human Services. I went through the whole process except registering for the classes itself. I had scheduled an appointment to do so. I couldn’t go through with it though I just couldn’t. It’s not because I didn’t want to I did. I talked to my Therapist Lacey about this. I know someone out there must do it, I just don’t know if I could. The reason why is because I don’t think I could get paid for someone being in pain. Not saying I’m incapable of getting paid I just don’t know if I’m willing to.
I think I have a unique experience when it comes too being the one who helps and the one in need of help. Yes, it sounds hypocritical of me, I’m aware of this. I see Lacey who gets paid too help me through my pain, but I don’t think I could help those in pain and get paid for it. I hate feeling she gets paid too care what’s going on with me. I believe Lacey genuinely cares because of the way she reacts too things. Lacey ends up crying sometimes, she sometimes can’t help it she’s human. But at the same time, she gets paid too help me. So, it kind of feels like she gets paid too care.
Having someone possibly feel that way towards me doesn’t make me feel so good about this type of career. I could feel different in a few months or by the time next fall comes around. I think that’s something I do have too work on with Lacey. I want to help kids I’m just having trouble getting over the fact I’ll get paid for it. Yes, there are ways I can help them with a legal license and not get paid for it. At the same time though I need money too pay bills, rent, food and all that good stuff we adults have too do.
As cheesy as this sounds, I just know in my heart that helping kids is what I should be doing. I just can’t help it conflicting with my gut feeling on not getting paid for it. I know none of this makes sense because it doesn’t work together in my mind either. It is a hill I have too accomplish getting over with Lacey. It sucks that my heart and my gut are telling me and making me feel two different things. This is my life, something no matter how big or small it is stops me in my tracks. Sometimes I think my life is meant to have this uncertainty about it, no matter what I’m doing. Nothing works out the way I like or want it too work out.
My life will come together the way I want it to, I just know it. Well I hope it does at least.
Dating at twenty-eight is no easier then when I was sixteen. No one teaches you this stuff, well at least I was never taught. In high school I shouldn’t have been dating anyway. Not because of my age but because I wasn’t in the right mindset anyway to have a successful relationship. Well as successful as any school age relationship would be any way. We both dated each other for various reasons. We did like each other but it was more friendship then dating. He was hiding a secret from his friends and family. I partly missed the strange intimacy of the sexual abuse. So, his attention of any kind filled in the gap. We used each other in some way it harmless and what made it harmless was we both knew. Neither of us were hurt by it. I think if we didn’t know one or both of us could’ve been hurt. As I said in a previous post, we’re still friends. We broke up on good terms. It was just do too life that we broke not because we did anything for it too end.
Anyway, back to dating at twenty-eight. After the first guy I had sex with I had sex with two other guys but went on dates with three. So, all together there were four guys since I was twenty-six that was either a potential, a no go, just sex or some combination. I’m not out having sex with everyone and anyone. I’m finding my footing in the dating world, trying to find who I am, I’m basically having a good time right now but I’m doing it safely.
I met all four of these guys on OkCupid. Despite it not working out with three of them all of them are nice guys. Not everyone gets lucky enough to meet four people in a row who are nice guys. I was lucky enough to have experiences with these guys and they turned out not to be creeps, psychos, killers or abusers on any level. None of them are perfect of course and you’ll find that out when I talk about guy #4 specifically. But they are all nice and sweet, they treat or treated me very well.
Guy #1 was my first time, so he was just a sex, friend thing. I explained my first time in a previous post on here. I’ll give a brief look in case you’re coming into this post new and haven’t read the previous ones. I had a pretty easy time with my first time, and I think it was due to the person I had sex with. He was very kind and gentle with me. He stopped when I needed him to stop, he slowed down when I needed him too slow down. He was my first intimate experience of any kind since the sexual abuse ended. That’s not including dating. I dated a guy in high school right after. When it came too sex, I wasn’t sure if I would panic in the middle of it. He didn’t know everything about what happened to me, but he was aware ahead of time about my past when we were learning things about each other. So, he was very respectful and gentle through it all. He periodically made sure I was doing okay.
Guy #2 was a potential too be something but turned out to be just a sex thing. We enjoyed one others company and we had some great talks. It just didn’t go anywhere beyond on sex for us, and we both were okay with that. He was also great with me, although unlike the first guy he didn’t know my past with sexual abuse. I think him being gentle was just part of his nature. Not saying it wasn’t part of guy ones nature but I don’t know what was nature vs him being careful with me. As I said neither of us minded it just being sex, well at least I was okay with it. I don’t know how he really felt about it, but I viewed him as a trustworthy guy, so I assume he was honest about it.
Guy #3 we went out and seen a great movie, we had decent conversations but by the end of the date it was a no go. There was no second date, there was no sex. It’s not that the connection or conversations were bad it just fizzled out quick. Sometimes it happens it wasn’t either one of our faults. It was just life, and the connection we did have wasn’t enough for me too want more. We briefly discussed it and he felt the same.
Guy #4 is the most recent guy I’ll be talking more extensively about him. we shall call him Owen. He is nice, sweet and respectful. As I said none of these guys are perfect and Owen is no exception. We’ve been on and off since the end of December. We dated for a bit but eventually we called it off. Owen said he realize he wasn’t quite ready for a relationship. He also said that although he wasn’t quite ready for a relationship, he didn’t want to stop seeing me. I didn’t want to stop seeing him either. So, we agreed to be friends with benefits. We hung out and had sex for a while. We were free to see other people and agreed to tell each other if we ended up with someone, we wanted to be serious with.
The thing is although we made that agreement, I don’t think either one of us want to see other people on any level. But we can’t necessarily agree to be in a relationship with each other. Eventually I told him I couldn’t do it anymore because I like him more then a friend. We ended up stopping what we were doing. But something pulled us back together. This whole back and forth keeps going on with us. Owen says he wants to keep this thing going because he likes me, he just wants to be sure he’s ready. I don’t know what’s going to happen with So, I’m going to see where it takes us.
Owen does have moments of being an ass and headstrong but I’m also the same way. We are so much alike in some way that I’m not 100% sure we will be successful. There’s this saying though I can’t remember it exactly though. Basically, it says everyone has baggage, everyone has train wrecks happening in their life. Find one that your willing to stay for, find one worth carrying, find one worth hoping on. That’s where I’m at with Owen, I’m ready to hop on and see where it takes me. I’m also someone who knows when to get off. I’m someone who can deal with a lot, I’m not someone who runs just because it’s hard. Believe me this thing between Owen and I is no walk in the park. It’s not train wreck but it’s a train that is having mechanical issues. Relationships of any kind are not easy, and I don’t expect it to be.
We have recently come to a decision that I won’t quite discuss yet. Only because I don’t want to jinx it. It’s something we both need and want for similar reasons, no it’s not marriage, no it’s not a pregnancy. It doesn’t have to do with us as a couple or not couple. Although I guess this decision could help with the progression of this train, we’re on whether it’s good or bad. When I know for sure it’s happening, when it’s all set and done, I will let you know. I promise I won’t leave you hanging.
Relationships, right? No matter how it is or where you are in a relationship of any kind it is not easy.
I’m someone who is still… I don’t want to say struggling but that’s the best word I can think of at this moment. I’m still someone who is struggling with their sexuality. I more commonly date guys when I do date. I more commonly have sex with guys when I do have sex. Granted I haven’t had sex or dated that many guys but still. Within in myself I still debate over my sexuality. I’ve never felt oh I like men so that means I’m straight. I’ve also never felt oh I like women so that means I’m a Lesbian. In my mind it was always I’ll date who I date, I’ll like who I like, I’ll love who I love, I’ll marry who I marry no matter where they land in the LGBTQ+ community.
Dating who I date regardless of their sexuality I believe would put me in the Pansexual category of the LGBTQ+ community. I’ve been with males in some form, and I’ve been with females in some form. Which would put me in the Bi-sexual category. I mean I guess in the end it really doesn’t matter it’s just one of many things I think about when it comes to figuring out who I am in life. I’m trying to figure out where I fit in the world,
To those who don’t know there is a difference. Bi-sexual is dating both men and women. No, it doesn’t mean I’ll date them at the same time. I’m a completely monogamous person. When I’m in a relationship with you I’m with you no one else. Pansexual is I’ll date men, women, transgenders, questioning, mentally/spiritually feel one way but look another. Again, I’m a monogamous person. I know I’m not straight that’s why I’m in debate. If I’m not straight, then what am I. I like people for different reasons and sex too me is just a bonus. At this point I’ll date who I date, with or without being labeled. As I said It just would be nice to know where I fit in the world.
On September 6, 2017 I had sex for the first time, I was Twenty-six turning Twenty-seven that November. Yes, I remember the date, I know many will think that’s weird. I wrote about it in my journal that day. I also wrote it in a journal that I specifically use for therapy. It was a big moment in my life, especially since I have a sexual abuse history. I wanted to mark the moment I never thought I would have or get through. So those are the reasons why I remember the date. Many told me that when I have sex for the first time it will hurt a lot. The more I have sex the less it will hurt. The thing is it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. It didn’t hurt as much as I was told it would. For about a minute or so it hurt, but it was more like a pinch then full out pain. I had a pretty easy time with sex, and I think it was due to the person I had sex with. He was very kind and gentle with me. He stopped when I needed him to stop, he slowed down when I needed him too slow down.
I can’t speak for him, but I had a pretty great time. We haven’t had sex since then, but I didn’t expect too. I was okay with it being a one time thing with him and if we decided to have sex again then we would. Neither of us were expecting to have a relationship with each other or anything beyond this moment. We knew we would be better as friends or acquaintances rather than partners even before we hung out this day. So, I think that’s why we were both okay with it being a one time thing. I know many people regret who they had their first time with and when. I really can’t say I have or will ever have regrets with who I had my first time with and when. Again, I can’t speak for him but no, I didn’t hang out with him for the purpose of having sex. We were just getting together for the purpose of hanging out. Although we didn’t initially discuss having sex when we were talking about me coming over, I was prepared for sex. It’s not because I expected it, it’s because I’m always prepared you never know. I always have a condom in my wallet, even before I started having sex. Okay not always but 95% of the time.
I get praised a lot for waiting till I was twenty-six. I also get asked a lot why I waited so long? I get asked if I was waiting till I was married or something? I tell them I don’t want to be praised or get brownie points for waiting. I also don’t think it was that long too wait too be honest. I was and am still young. Nothing against them but I wasn’t a forty-year old virgin, I was twenty-six. I wasn’t waiting for marriage or this idea of it needing too be perfect. Which most people especially women tend to want it to be perfect. I was not expecting the roses, lingerie, sexy lighting, music etc. Yeah all that would’ve been nice, but I wasn’t waiting for that. I also wasn’t waiting for marriage. If it happened after I got married then that would be nice, if I had sex before marriage that would be nice. If I never had sex then that would be nice, I wasn’t having sex anyway so, I didn’t know what I was missing, not really. I really wasn’t waiting for a moment. I guess if anything I was waiting for the person I chose and was comfortable enough with to have that kind of moment.
Of course, I was extremely nervous and scared too have sex, it would be a lie if I said wasn’t nervous or scared. What made me feel nervous and scared was not actually having sex itself. What made me nervous and scared was what my reaction too having sex would be. This was my first intimate experience of any kind since the sexual abuse ended. That’s including dating, kissing, holding hands etc. I wasn’t sure if I would panic in the middle of it. He didn’t know everything about what happened to me, but he was aware ahead of time about my past when we were learning things about each other. So, he was very respectful and gentle through it all. He periodically made sure I was doing okay.
I was able too let go of everything. I let go of the anxiety, my depression, my life, just everything. I was completely vulnerable, and I enjoyed the vulnerability surprisingly. I say surprisingly because I’m not a vulnerable person. I don’t make a habit of putting myself in vulnerable situations. It may seem weird too a lot of people but the one person I need to thank is my Therapist Lacey.
When I say I need to thank Lacey for my sex life it’s not anything creepy. Whether or not the sex was planned, if it wasn’t for my time with her, if it wasn’t for the progress she helped me make I don’t know if I would’ve come to a place in my life where I felt I was ready. For a survivor of sexual abuse your first time after being molested or the first time after a rape is a crucial moment. I’m not sure if I would’ve gotten to the other side of the hill to even consider sex if it wasn’t for Lacey.
I look forward to having more sex in my future. I hope people have the same positive experiences as I did. Everyone no matter who you are or what you went through deserves a positive experience. Just make sure it’s with someone you respect and who respects you back.
Please stay safe.
At one point I ended up having The Dream again, from beginning to end. For the most part the dream was the same but there were some differences. I will give you a short recap of the originally dream and the short version of the new one: I was grabbed by two men on the way home from the store and took me into a dark area. They both ended up rapping me but not before they tortured me. I was kicked, hit and cut with glass. I was a bloody mess. They did all this until they were finished with me and they just left me there lying in pain. That’s what happened to me in the first version.
The Dream II
I had the dream again but someone I know and someone I’ve come very close to ended up in the dream as well. I won’t mention what her real name is, you know for privacy reasons but if she ever comes across this she would know. At least I think she would. At first, I didn’t recognize her because of the lighting in the dream.
Everything that happened in the original dream happened, but as I said someone was added to it. She was trying to get these guys to stop hurting me. It took awhile but they stopped. In result of them stopping with me they began to do everything they did with me to her. It hurt so much but I managed to get up and grab the closest thing to me and threw it at them. They stopped and one of them came over to me, grabbed me and began pulling me closer to her. I looked down at her and there was so much blood. I began to recognize who she was it was my therapist Lacey. I looked in her eyes and they weren’t filled with the light I remembered them having. There was only pain and suffering. The second guy handed me a gun and pointing at Lacey he told me “get rid of the filthy bitch.” I pointed the gun at her, but I was shaking. I looked at her and I told her “I’m so sorry.” I turned the gun around and shot myself and then it was morning.
That second dream was more difficult for me then the first one. In this dream this woman was someone specific but she just represents people in general. I would rather die in place of another. It’s the whole I need to protect others because they matter, and I don’t thing. So, I shot myself instead of Lacey. I shot myself in order to save her, but I realized I don’t know if she was indeed safe. I realized I shot myself and left her with the two of them. It just seemed the right thing to do at the time. You know dreams will do that, not very logical. So, unless the dream somehow continues from where it left off, I will never know if my actions saved her. I hate when my mind goes to places like that.
I would like to apologize for not writing for so long. life just happened and I became busy with it. I need to make this blog one of my many priorities. I’ve been working on new entries and I plan on posting them once they are edited the way I want to present it. That’s another thing I don’t want to post a story or what’s going on just because I can. Although similar I don’t write this as a diary/journal. My blog is for the eyes of others, my diary/journal is for my eyes only. So, I want to make sure what I put out there is something I want out there. Please stay with me, i’ll be updating soon.
I’m not a huge birthday fan, well at least when it comes to my own. I would love it if I could just forget it. My birthday is around the holidays so it’s not easy to pretend it doesn’t exist. The reason why I’m not a fan is because of what used to happen on my birthday. We would have a party and of course invite family and friends over. That included the person who sexually abused. Any chance he could he would get me alone. When he did that’s the time he would set aside too touch me. This would happen every birthday until the abuse ended. That’s why I want to forget my birthday. My birthday is just a yearly reminder of a time that wasn’t so kind too me.
I’ve had a few suicide attempts in my life. It wasn’t because I wanted to die. It was because I wanted the pain I felt too go away. Many say that suicide is selfish, but it’s far from selfish. Sometimes you just hurt so much you want it too end. I’ve cut my pills and taken pills more then once. There’s no good way to explain why we feel suicide is a solution unless you’ve been through it. Too those who don’t know might think this is the worst thing we could do. For those going through it it’s not.
Eventually I found a different outlet that helped me get through every day. I was reading Harry Potter By J.K Rowling. Those books helped me get through my darkest times. I started those books in 1998 I was turning eight that year. The abuse started a couple years after that. The older I got the more the books helped me because I started understanding the messages of each book. I also started taking my writing seriously, So I increased how often I wrote in journals and I started writing poetry.
I came to learn that suicide isn’t the answer even if you feel in that moment it is. Now I know reading and writing is my way out. Even though I fought against it for a long time going too therapy helped me as well. Reading, writing, and therapy isn’t for everyone but for me personally it helped. You have too find what helps you get through the rough patch. It may be tough, and it may take a while, but you will get through. I’m just one example of someone who made it out. It’s still a struggle believe me, but I have too work hard and keep working at what helps me.
If you or someone you know needs help, please contact the suicide hotline or anyone you trust to help.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline