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Part 1 on Current Relationship

When it comes to my relationships, I will go in too some details but there is only so much I will mention until I get their consent for certain parts. I can only really be honest on how I experience things. Yes, anyone I write about by name is anonymous, but I am not. So, protecting their privacy is just as important.

Owen and I over the last almost three years have still been talking to each other. The most recent was yesterday. We may be getting together this weekend but unfortunately do too a personal thing I may have to cancel. Well at least if it’s just a sex visit canceling will have to happen. If it’s also just hanging out than we should be good. We have not decided on what kind of visit it is. Yes, it’s okay to have different kinds of visits. We’re not always up for hanging out but up for sex. We’re not always for up sex but up too just hanging out.

We’ve had our fair of ups and downs; our relationship hasn’t exactly been perfect. Lets take the actual relationship for example. One of us wants a real relationship the other wants to stay friends with benefits. Its either over or have a real relationship. We’ve been over and done a few times, but something just keeps bringing us back together, but we can’t or at least we aren’t ready to sway one way or another. The first year and half or so we both were up for friends with benefits. Neither of us were ready, ready too date but we wanted someone in our lives. So, friends with benefits gave us that. Now one of us is ready and the other is either not ready or scared. Now we’re sort of stuck, do we stay, or do we part way? If we stay do, we stay friends with benefits or become a real thing? If we part ways how do, we stay away from each other?

The last year hasn’t exactly made life easy for us individually and together. Which we’ll get too in a different conversation. This is part 1 of many conversations on this relationship. There will be many more parts. Even this conversation will have a continuation. If you have any advice on what I’ve said so far on this, I’m open too hearing your advice.

Stay safe and stay you. Until next time.

Jazzica Idamarie

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It’s Been Awhile

it’s been a long while since i last posted, and I deeply apologize for that. I will be posting again as soon as possible. Life you know, adulting is what it is. Why were we in a hurry to become adults as kids hahaha. See you soon and remember “Be you, and be the best you that you can be.”

Struggling

I have to admit I’m struggling right now. One thing I’m struggling on is my next post. No this one isn’t it. It’s not that I don’t know what I want to write about. I’m just struggling on getting it together. That’s why it’s taking me a bit longer for me to post it. The bulletin points are there, the thought is there, everything I need to write is sitting in front of me. The one thing I didn’t count on not being there this time is my ability to put it together and have the final piece. I’m all for imperfections but I also want it to make sense. So please be patient with me while I get that together. I didn’t forget to post it’s just taking me longer this time on getting it together. Another reason I’m struggling is I’m not quite feeling myself, which I’m currently working on that for me to post as well. So look forward to that up coming post. Hopefully (crosses fingers). I’m also struggling with sleep tonight. It’s not late but seeing as I have to be up at 5:00am/5:30 the latest 10:06pm is late. My body is tired but my mind is wide awake and I don’t know what to do. My hands are hurting as well which makes typing this a little hard. Have I discussed the pain I’m always in? I’m not sure I have to go back and see. If not look forward to that as well. Hope to get what I want out to you all soon.

Jazzica Idamarie

Seaglass

I’ve been seeing my therapist Lacey for about 5/6 years now. I want to say two maybe three years in she gave me a piece of seaglass she had. I still have it, and not only do I still have it I carry it around with me every day. The only time I don’t carry it with me is if I genuinely forget to grab it or I’m doing something that makes me afraid to lose it. In this point of time, it’s the most important piece of glass I have. It holds so much meaning in my life.

This seaglass helps with my anxiety and life. I know, I know, you’re probably wondering how a piece of seaglass help with your anxiety and life. Well… for one it’s solid so I hold it, rub it, fidget with it. It keeps my hands busy and not shake all the time. It’s like chewing gum too prevent you from chewing the inside of your cheek or lips. Which I also have a problem with, but that’s a whole other issue, but today we’re talking seaglass.

Another way it helps is and this may sound crazy, but it makes me feel like Lacey is there when I need help or advice. It’s like how someone has a cross and follows “WWJD?” you know “What Would Jesus Do?”. For me it’s the seaglass and “WWLD?” or “What Would Lacey Do?”. So anytime I go through a difficult time, anytime I need assistance I reach for that seaglass and ask myself “What would Lacey do?” or “What would Lacey say?”.

Everyone has that one thing that helps them get through life when nothing else is available. When I can’t reach the people, I need the help from I go too books, writing, music and my seaglass.

Do you have something that helps guide you threw life? You may not even realize this item does this for you.

Find what helps you get through life when nothing else prevails.

Jazzica Idamarie

The Last Few Years

The last few years… what can I say. Well its been one hell of a ride for me. 2020 was one hell of a year and so far 2021 isn’t looking much better not just for me but for everyone. You all know what i’m talking about. 2020 will definitely be on the list of things I’ll be updating on. Scary times man, scary times. Tomorrow I’ll be starting my post updates a few days a week. I’ll be starting with dating and all things current about that. Looking forward to being back and doing what I love too do… write.

Stay you and push on through.

Jazzica Idamarie

Having Kids, Weight Loss and More

Having kids has been a bit of a sore spot for me lately. A few months back I went in for a Doctors appointment. I needed too talk to my Doctor about my period, my time of the month Aunt Flow, the swirling blood of hell whatever you want to call it. I have very irregular cycle; I may get it two maybe three times a year if at all. At the moment she said it’s most likely due to my weight and it should regulate when and if I lose the weight. Which has not been easy at all. I mean I don’t weight the same as I used too due to losing some weight. I was 290lbs and now I’m 256lbs.

It’s never easy losing weight I’m just for some reason having an extremely tough time losing the amount I need too. On top of me having Fibromyalgia, which means my body is in pain all the time. Which makes losing weight harder. Exercise hurts too begin with, if you put me being in pain all the time on top of it, well not a good feeling. It’s several days after a one thirty-minute session of exercise before I can exercise again.

So, because I don’t have regular periods my doctor said it’s not impossible, but it will be extremely hard for me too have kids. In the same breath she tells me if my period doesn’t regulate, I’m at risk for possible cancer in my future. She’s a great Doctor don’t get me wrong, but she could’ve eased up on adding on the disappointment too my life. She could’ve prepared me for more bad news. That was a lot of and big information for me to take in, especially in one sitting. For me to find out I may not be able too have kids was a punch too the gut. I always pictured myself having kids.

Yes, I could adopt but adoption is not an easy process. Adoption is not a cheap process and applying for adoption is no guarantee I would be approved. Yes, when I’m with someone I want kids with the process too have a child would be fun. I just don’t want something as enjoyable and fun as sex too become work. These days I’m not so inclined too have kids. I’m not saying I won’t want to ever have kids again it’s just I’m tired of bad news continually coming my way. I’m also now on the birth control implant to help regulate my period. I had too received the version that helps prevent pregnancy. It’s either prevent possible cancer or not take birth control and try for kids when I’m with the person I want kids with. Even with the implant my period is still an issue. Yes, I’m having it more consistently but Its still a few months in between.

Sometimes I feel bad because I start thinking about those in worse situations then myself. Like those who actually have cancer, like those who actually can’t have kids at all. I sometimes feel I have no right too complain. I have it easy compared to most.

A Career I Would Love to Have

So, I signed up too go back to college and I signed up for Human Services. Working with kids is something I always wanted to do. Whether it was teaching them in a school or something in Human Services. I went through the whole process except registering for the classes itself. I had scheduled an appointment to do so. I couldn’t go through with it though I just couldn’t. It’s not because I didn’t want to I did. I talked to my Therapist Lacey about this. I know someone out there must do it, I just don’t know if I could. The reason why is because I don’t think I could get paid for someone being in pain. Not saying I’m incapable of getting paid I just don’t know if I’m willing to.

I think I have a unique experience when it comes too being the one who helps and the one in need of help. Yes, it sounds hypocritical of me, I’m aware of this. I see Lacey who gets paid too help me through my pain, but I don’t think I could help those in pain and get paid for it. I hate feeling she gets paid too care what’s going on with me. I believe Lacey genuinely cares because of the way she reacts too things. Lacey ends up crying sometimes, she sometimes can’t help it she’s human. But at the same time, she gets paid too help me. So, it kind of feels like she gets paid too care.

Having someone possibly feel that way towards me doesn’t make me feel so good about this type of career. I could feel different in a few months or by the time next fall comes around. I think that’s something I do have too work on with Lacey. I want to help kids I’m just having trouble getting over the fact I’ll get paid for it. Yes, there are ways I can help them with a legal license and not get paid for it. At the same time though I need money too pay bills, rent, food and all that good stuff we adults have too do.

As cheesy as this sounds, I just know in my heart that helping kids is what I should be doing. I just can’t help it conflicting with my gut feeling on not getting paid for it. I know none of this makes sense because it doesn’t work together in my mind either. It is a hill I have too accomplish getting over with Lacey. It sucks that my heart and my gut are telling me and making me feel two different things.  This is my life, something no matter how big or small it is stops me in my tracks. Sometimes I think my life is meant to have this uncertainty about it, no matter what I’m doing. Nothing works out the way I like or want it too work out.

My life will come together the way I want it to, I just know it. Well I hope it does at least.

Dating at Twenty-eight

Dating at twenty-eight is no easier then when I was sixteen. No one teaches you this stuff, well at least I was never taught. In high school I shouldn’t have been dating anyway. Not because of my age but because I wasn’t in the right mindset anyway to have a successful relationship. Well as successful as any school age relationship would be any way. We both dated each other for various reasons. We did like each other but it was more friendship then dating. He was hiding a secret from his friends and family. I partly missed the strange intimacy of the sexual abuse. So, his attention of any kind filled in the gap. We used each other in some way it harmless and what made it harmless was we both knew. Neither of us were hurt by it. I think if we didn’t know one or both of us could’ve been hurt. As I said in a previous post, we’re still friends. We broke up on good terms. It was just do too life that we broke not because we did anything for it too end.

Anyway, back to dating at twenty-eight. After the first guy I had sex with I had sex with two other guys but went on dates with three. So, all together there were four guys since I was twenty-six that was either a potential, a no go, just sex or some combination. I’m not out having sex with everyone and anyone. I’m finding my footing in the dating world, trying to find who I am, I’m basically having a good time right now but I’m doing it safely.

I met all four of these guys on OkCupid. Despite it not working out with three of them all of them are nice guys. Not everyone gets lucky enough to meet four people in a row who are nice guys. I was lucky enough to have experiences with these guys and they turned out not to be creeps, psychos, killers or abusers on any level. None of them are perfect of course and you’ll find that out when I talk about guy #4 specifically. But they are all nice and sweet, they treat or treated me very well.

Guy #1 was my first time, so he was just a sex, friend thing. I explained my first time in a previous post on here. I’ll give a brief look in case you’re coming into this post new and haven’t read the previous ones. I had a pretty easy time with my first time, and I think it was due to the person I had sex with. He was very kind and gentle with me. He stopped when I needed him to stop, he slowed down when I needed him too slow down. He was my first intimate experience of any kind since the sexual abuse ended. That’s not including dating. I dated a guy in high school right after. When it came too sex, I wasn’t sure if I would panic in the middle of it. He didn’t know everything about what happened to me, but he was aware ahead of time about my past when we were learning things about each other. So, he was very respectful and gentle through it all. He periodically made sure I was doing okay.

Guy #2 was a potential too be something but turned out to be just a sex thing. We enjoyed one others company and we had some great talks. It just didn’t go anywhere beyond on sex for us, and we both were okay with that. He was also great with me, although unlike the first guy he didn’t know my past with sexual abuse. I think him being gentle was just part of his nature. Not saying it wasn’t part of guy ones nature but I don’t know what was nature vs him being careful with me. As I said neither of us minded it just being sex, well at least I was okay with it. I don’t know how he really felt about it, but I viewed him as a trustworthy guy, so I assume he was honest about it.

Guy #3 we went out and seen a great movie, we had decent conversations but by the end of the date it was a no go. There was no second date, there was no sex. It’s not that the connection or conversations were bad it just fizzled out quick. Sometimes it happens it wasn’t either one of our faults. It was just life, and the connection we did have wasn’t enough for me too want more. We briefly discussed it and he felt the same.

Guy #4 is the most recent guy I’ll be talking more extensively about him. we shall call him Owen. He is nice, sweet and respectful. As I said none of these guys are perfect and Owen is no exception. We’ve been on and off since the end of December. We dated for a bit but eventually we called it off. Owen said he realize he wasn’t quite ready for a relationship. He also said that although he wasn’t quite ready for a relationship, he didn’t want to stop seeing me. I didn’t want to stop seeing him either. So, we agreed to be friends with benefits. We hung out and had sex for a while. We were free to see other people and agreed to tell each other if we ended up with someone, we wanted to be serious with.

The thing is although we made that agreement, I don’t think either one of us want to see other people on any level. But we can’t necessarily agree to be in a relationship with each other. Eventually I told him I couldn’t do it anymore because I like him more then a friend. We ended up stopping what we were doing. But something pulled us back together. This whole back and forth keeps going on with us. Owen says he wants to keep this thing going because he likes me, he just wants to be sure he’s ready. I don’t know what’s going to happen with So, I’m going to see where it takes us.

Owen does have moments of being an ass and headstrong but I’m also the same way. We are so much alike in some way that I’m not 100% sure we will be successful. There’s this saying though I can’t remember it exactly though. Basically, it says everyone has baggage, everyone has train wrecks happening in their life. Find one that your willing to stay for, find one worth carrying, find one worth hoping on. That’s where I’m at with Owen, I’m ready to hop on and see where it takes me. I’m also someone who knows when to get off. I’m someone who can deal with a lot, I’m not someone who runs just because it’s hard. Believe me this thing between Owen and I is no walk in the park. It’s not train wreck but it’s a train that is having mechanical issues. Relationships of any kind are not easy, and I don’t expect it to be.

We have recently come to a decision that I won’t quite discuss yet. Only because I don’t want to jinx it. It’s something we both need and want for similar reasons, no it’s not marriage, no it’s not a pregnancy. It doesn’t have to do with us as a couple or not couple. Although I guess this decision could help with the progression of this train, we’re on whether it’s good or bad. When I know for sure it’s happening, when it’s all set and done, I will let you know. I promise I won’t leave you hanging.

Relationships, right? No matter how it is or where you are in a relationship of any kind it is not easy.

My Sexuality

I’m someone who is still… I don’t want to say struggling but that’s the best word I can think of at this moment. I’m still someone who is struggling with their sexuality. I more commonly date guys when I do date. I more commonly have sex with guys when I do have sex. Granted I haven’t had sex or dated that many guys but still. Within in myself I still debate over my sexuality. I’ve never felt oh I like men so that means I’m straight. I’ve also never felt oh I like women so that means I’m a Lesbian. In my mind it was always I’ll date who I date, I’ll like who I like, I’ll love who I love, I’ll marry who I marry no matter where they land in the LGBTQ+ community.

Dating who I date regardless of their sexuality I believe would put me in the Pansexual category of the LGBTQ+ community. I’ve been with males in some form, and I’ve been with females in some form. Which would put me in the Bi-sexual category.  I mean I guess in the end it really doesn’t matter it’s just one of many things I think about when it comes to figuring out who I am in life. I’m trying to figure out where I fit in the world,

To those who don’t know there is a difference. Bi-sexual is dating both men and women. No, it doesn’t mean I’ll date them at the same time. I’m a completely monogamous person. When I’m in a relationship with you I’m with you no one else. Pansexual is I’ll date men, women, transgenders, questioning, mentally/spiritually feel one way but look another. Again, I’m a monogamous person. I know I’m not straight that’s why I’m in debate. If I’m not straight, then what am I.  I like people for different reasons and sex too me is just a bonus. At this point I’ll date who I date, with or without being labeled. As I said It just would be nice to know where I fit in the world.