There were many things that I went through while the sexual abuse was going on. Over the years as you could imagine I changed a lot with the sexual abuse happening. I acted out a lot, not anything dangerous but enough for my parents to be concerned. I also withdrew myself and was not a person they became familiar with. My parents… I guess you can say reached a point where enough was enough. Thus, my journey of countless visits too the Psychiatric Unit began.
The first time I went too the psychiatric unit was when I was thirteen. It was during that time I was diagnosed with Anxiety, severe depression, and Bi-polar disorder. I always agreed with being diagnosed with anxiety and depression. Now Bi-polar on the other hand I completely disagree with. I disagreed with it then and I disagree with it now. I have my reasons for disagreeing with that diagnoses. 1. I felt it was too early too diagnose me with it. 2. I was thirteen still going through puberty. What thirteen-year-old doesn’t seem like there going through a Bi-polar stage at that age. And 3. Considering what I was going through. Not only was I going through normal thirteen-year-old growing and life experiences, I was also going through sexual abuse. Plus, even before everything my dad wasn’t the easiest person too get along with.
I was dealing with a lot more then what most teenagers would deal with. I acted out just like any sane person would going through what I did. But unlike most people what do I get out of it. I get sent too the psychiatric unit and diagnosed with depression, severe anxiety and Bi-polar. Anyone whose met me especially now will say I’m from being Bi-polar. I would be happy to admit I had Bi-polar if I was. It’s not something I would be ashamed of. It was also then that I was put on medication for the firs time. I was on more medication than any adult should be on let alone a thirteen-year-old. I was on Abilify, Zoloft, Invega, and lithium. They weren’t at the lowest doses either. They weren’t crazy high but high enough.
I withdrew from life even more. The medication made me gain a lot of weight. The meds itself put pounds on me and it also made me hungry a lot. I also was going through depression, so I ate my feelings away. The weight gain is when being made fun of in school happened which made everything worse. I was sent to the psychiatric unit more than twice and every time I did they raised the dose. I couldn’t be happy or sad or angry without my parents assuming it was due to the Bi-polar. So, I was sent too the hospital and therefore sent to the Psychiatric unit.
So, I stopped showing what I felt but it came to a point where the medication also zombified me and kept me feeling anything and everything. I didn’t do much of anything except home, school and where my parents went. During all this the abuse was still going on. By the time I was 21/22 I had been on the medication for almost ten years. I had enough of being on meds. Yes, I was legally an adult by eighteen and I could have said something sooner, but I wasn’t ready at that point. So, at 21/22 I told my doctor I couldn’t and didn’t want too to be on medication anymore. She said I do. I told her that with or without her guidance I’m going off them, but I prefer her guidance through it. She said alright and overtime I was off them all.
I am now Twenty-seven and feeling like myself whomever that self is because I don’t know yet. I don’t feel stuck anymore. I’m starting too feel EVERYTHING now, but I’ll be talking about that in a different blog. I can finally breath and although I still go through tough moments I handle them differently. Being in the psychiatric unit was not fun at all. I wouldn’t even wish being there on my worse enemy. I always told people that if I ever have kids and doctors recommended daily medication for them I wouldn’t. That I will exhaust every option I can physically and financially do before I resort too putting my kids on medication. I have firsthand experience with meds, so I know how it feels or doesn’t. I wouldn’t want too to do that too my kids unless I absolutely had too.
The psychiatric unit was and is no life for me and I’m happy I don’t have too go through that anymore.