On September 6, 2017 I had sex for the first time, I was Twenty-six turning Twenty-seven that November. Yes, I remember the date, I know many will think that’s weird. I wrote about it in my journal that day. I also wrote it in a journal that I specifically use for therapy. It was a big moment in my life, especially since I have a sexual abuse history. I wanted to mark the moment I never thought I would have or get through. So those are the reasons why I remember the date. Many told me that when I have sex for the first time it will hurt a lot. The more I have sex the less it will hurt. The thing is it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would. It didn’t hurt as much as I was told it would. For about a minute or so it hurt, but it was more like a pinch then full out pain. I had a pretty easy time with sex, and I think it was due to the person I had sex with. He was very kind and gentle with me. He stopped when I needed him to stop, he slowed down when I needed him too slow down.
I can’t speak for him, but I had a pretty great time. We haven’t had sex since then, but I didn’t expect too. I was okay with it being a one time thing with him and if we decided to have sex again then we would. Neither of us were expecting to have a relationship with each other or anything beyond this moment. We knew we would be better as friends or acquaintances rather than partners even before we hung out this day. So, I think that’s why we were both okay with it being a one time thing. I know many people regret who they had their first time with and when. I really can’t say I have or will ever have regrets with who I had my first time with and when. Again, I can’t speak for him but no, I didn’t hang out with him for the purpose of having sex. We were just getting together for the purpose of hanging out. Although we didn’t initially discuss having sex when we were talking about me coming over, I was prepared for sex. It’s not because I expected it, it’s because I’m always prepared you never know. I always have a condom in my wallet, even before I started having sex. Okay not always but 95% of the time.
I get praised a lot for waiting till I was twenty-six. I also get asked a lot why I waited so long? I get asked if I was waiting till I was married or something? I tell them I don’t want to be praised or get brownie points for waiting. I also don’t think it was that long too wait too be honest. I was and am still young. Nothing against them but I wasn’t a forty-year old virgin, I was twenty-six. I wasn’t waiting for marriage or this idea of it needing too be perfect. Which most people especially women tend to want it to be perfect. I was not expecting the roses, lingerie, sexy lighting, music etc. Yeah all that would’ve been nice, but I wasn’t waiting for that. I also wasn’t waiting for marriage. If it happened after I got married then that would be nice, if I had sex before marriage that would be nice. If I never had sex then that would be nice, I wasn’t having sex anyway so, I didn’t know what I was missing, not really. I really wasn’t waiting for a moment. I guess if anything I was waiting for the person I chose and was comfortable enough with to have that kind of moment.
Of course, I was extremely nervous and scared too have sex, it would be a lie if I said wasn’t nervous or scared. What made me feel nervous and scared was not actually having sex itself. What made me nervous and scared was what my reaction too having sex would be. This was my first intimate experience of any kind since the sexual abuse ended. That’s including dating, kissing, holding hands etc. I wasn’t sure if I would panic in the middle of it. He didn’t know everything about what happened to me, but he was aware ahead of time about my past when we were learning things about each other. So, he was very respectful and gentle through it all. He periodically made sure I was doing okay.
I was able too let go of everything. I let go of the anxiety, my depression, my life, just everything. I was completely vulnerable, and I enjoyed the vulnerability surprisingly. I say surprisingly because I’m not a vulnerable person. I don’t make a habit of putting myself in vulnerable situations. It may seem weird too a lot of people but the one person I need to thank is my Therapist Lacey.
When I say I need to thank Lacey for my sex life it’s not anything creepy. Whether or not the sex was planned, if it wasn’t for my time with her, if it wasn’t for the progress she helped me make I don’t know if I would’ve come to a place in my life where I felt I was ready. For a survivor of sexual abuse your first time after being molested or the first time after a rape is a crucial moment. I’m not sure if I would’ve gotten to the other side of the hill to even consider sex if it wasn’t for Lacey.
I look forward to having more sex in my future. I hope people have the same positive experiences as I did. Everyone no matter who you are or what you went through deserves a positive experience. Just make sure it’s with someone you respect and who respects you back.
Please stay safe.