So, I signed up too go back to college and I signed up for Human Services. Working with kids is something I always wanted to do. Whether it was teaching them in a school or something in Human Services. I went through the whole process except registering for the classes itself. I had scheduled an appointment to do so. I couldn’t go through with it though I just couldn’t. It’s not because I didn’t want to I did. I talked to my Therapist Lacey about this. I know someone out there must do it, I just don’t know if I could. The reason why is because I don’t think I could get paid for someone being in pain. Not saying I’m incapable of getting paid I just don’t know if I’m willing to.
I think I have a unique experience when it comes too being the one who helps and the one in need of help. Yes, it sounds hypocritical of me, I’m aware of this. I see Lacey who gets paid too help me through my pain, but I don’t think I could help those in pain and get paid for it. I hate feeling she gets paid too care what’s going on with me. I believe Lacey genuinely cares because of the way she reacts too things. Lacey ends up crying sometimes, she sometimes can’t help it she’s human. But at the same time, she gets paid too help me. So, it kind of feels like she gets paid too care.
Having someone possibly feel that way towards me doesn’t make me feel so good about this type of career. I could feel different in a few months or by the time next fall comes around. I think that’s something I do have too work on with Lacey. I want to help kids I’m just having trouble getting over the fact I’ll get paid for it. Yes, there are ways I can help them with a legal license and not get paid for it. At the same time though I need money too pay bills, rent, food and all that good stuff we adults have too do.
As cheesy as this sounds, I just know in my heart that helping kids is what I should be doing. I just can’t help it conflicting with my gut feeling on not getting paid for it. I know none of this makes sense because it doesn’t work together in my mind either. It is a hill I have too accomplish getting over with Lacey. It sucks that my heart and my gut are telling me and making me feel two different things. This is my life, something no matter how big or small it is stops me in my tracks. Sometimes I think my life is meant to have this uncertainty about it, no matter what I’m doing. Nothing works out the way I like or want it too work out.
My life will come together the way I want it to, I just know it. Well I hope it does at least.