Current Relationship Part 2

My relationship with Owen is over, well it was more of a situationship. We were in a friends with benefits type relationship but not quite seeing other people. There are a number of reasons why it ended but it came down to us just being in different places in our lives. I’ve always been the way I am when it comes to my sexuality but there’s a particular women in my life that made me have a change of heart. We are not in a relationship but am I interested. If you seen her you may ask “Well why wouldn’t you be interested in her?”. It was never a physical thing for me when it came to her. I mean don’t get me wrong I find her amazingly beautiful and attractive physically. But I find just her being amazingly beautiful, amazingly charming, amazingly perfectly imperfect. I am in awe of her. I’m not in love i’m not saying that but i fell in love with her personality. I am just as happy with our amazing friendship as I hope I would be if we were actually a thing. But she helped me really come to know what I want in a relationship. Whether it’s with her or not we shall see but as my sexuality goes because if her I’ve never felt more myself. I had my moments when it came to women but I never really really went for it. It was just throught passing. I also wasn’t relationship of any kind ready. Now I am so join me on this journey. See ya on the flip side.

Jazzica Idamarie

Medication and More Part I

I’ve been going through it the last few weeks. I’ve been going through som e PTSD, I mean really going through it. My birthday has been a tough day for me because of the sexual abuse. Aside from finding out I’ll be an auntie again to my youngest nephew just over 5 years ago I don’t have the best history on my birthday. My birthday is this week November 25 and my birthday lands on Thanksgiving this year. I’ll be thirty-one. As I said I’ve been going through it.

I’ve had a couple break downs and I felt I just about ruined one of the greatest friendships I had. I’m a manager in a retail stores and we’re in the craziest times of the year… RETAIL! On top of me trying to find a new place. The world is falling around me. It was getting really bad, those closest to me at work noticed I haven’t been doing so hot. I’m just exhausted, have loss of appetite, sleeping but very little or very restless.

My mind just keeps going and going and going and so on and so forth. Depression and anxiety has hit really really hard. A few weeks back I had a conversation with my Therapist. A conversation I didn’t want to have but a conversation I definitely needed to have. I asked her about recommendations for a psychiatrist. I’m not a big fan on taking medication but I wanted to at least have a conversation about it. So I had my first appointment with the psychiatrist five days ago. The last four days I’ve been on medication, taking half a pill for a week then a whole pill afterwards.

I am taking Escitalopram. I told her about my anxiety on taking medication. She understood it but did recommend starting meds and see how it goes and if at any point if I want to stop i’m free to do so. I agreed to it and here I am four days into medications. Going through some side effects right now like dizziness, drowsiness so that’s always fun. It takes 4-6 weeks to progress. Like I said I didn’t want to take meds but I needed some additional help. I’m in a different place in life so I’m giving this a try.

As much as my ability to feel scares me the thing that scares me more is the meds making me not feel anymore. I just need to ease my feelings back not completely do away with them. I’ve worked way to hard with my therapist to revert back to the way I was. As I said I’m older now, i’m not the same person who started meds at thirteen so I want to see if it’s different now. The meds right now are making me a very tired despite me taking it this morning. I wanted to give you a small update so I’ll head on out and talk to you guys soon with more.

Jazzica Idamarie

Halloween

Halloween hasn’t been a fully happy time for me for a very long time. Not saying I didn’t have a fun time on Halloween growing up because I definitely did. The bad memories just override the good ones. I would love it if I could make it a better time for myself. It’s not easy I can tell you that much. There is this young woman who has definitely helped in making difficult days amazing days. I haven’t known her long but I’ve known her long enough for her to witness very difficult days. The problem with her making bad days into amazing days is… 1. I don’t want to always rely on someone else to provide happiness and good memories. I need to just be okay with this day even when I’m alone. 2. This young woman and I well… we have a particular type of relationship. We’re not dating or anything but our relationship… well I’m not really sure how to describe it. As good as she makes me feel especially on the tough days the chances of her being able to do that for me until the end of time isn’t a possibility. So, I need to be able to wrap what she does for me in bubble wrap and grab a little bit of that whenever I need it. I’m good at celebrating, people, holidays, birthdays, etc.. so the fact that days like Halloween aren’t exactly a good day for me is hard. I’m single and don’t have kids so it’s not like I have those things in my life to be one thing to make it better. Sexual abuse will ruin a lot of things for you and for me it has. I don’t want it to ruin life for me anymore. Sooo, what is your advice on being able to make difficult days amazing ones?

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!! Hope you have a fun and safe Halloween.

How I See The World

I think I see the world differently then most people. Not everyone of course but most people. The world can be a really, really crappy place sometimes and I didn’t exactly experience the world like I should have. I never expected my life to be butterflies and rainbows but maybe cotton candy and flowers. Where one sees graffiti that should not be there I see the art, the beauty etc. Where most people see others as unstable I see an eccentric being. They’re the ones who make the world a more interesting place. I see the world in song and creativity. In my world nothing fits like people think things should. In my world a square is a circle, a circle is a triangle, a triangle is a rectangle so on and so forth. I’ve never been what people consider the norm and I’m good with that. The way I see the world and being an adult doesn’t always mix well with each other. I’m old fashioned but young in age and heart at the same time. I agree with King Triton while also understanding Ariels feeling of being trapped underwater. I don’t fit in anywhere and the place i do fit in unfortunately won’t be there forever. But however i see the world wherever i fit in, in that moment i’m going to enjoy my time.

9/11

September 9,2001 is still one of the biggest tragidies the US has experienced. I was nine years old turning eleven a few short months later. I remember finding out about what happened in school. If I remember correctly we were sent home early. As a kid of course I didn’t grasp what had happened at the time but I recognized that it was big and knew it wasn’t good. Over the years I’ve watched clips but it wasn’t until today that I realized I never, even after twenty years watched any full videos, documentaries, read any books etc. on the subject of 9/11. Of curse in school every year it would come up as part of history, but again I was so wrapped up in my own things I never grasped full heartedly on what happened that day. I’m now thirty and almost thirty-one in a few short months and have watched my first documentary. It recently came out for the 20 year anniversary. It definitely put a different light on it that I didn’t have on it before. Not that I didn’t have any for them before but my respect for any responders and innocent bystanders involved has grown 1,000 times over.

I have plenty to say about the event of 9/11 but I want to keep this light hearted and keep it focused on everyone involved who helped and lost their lives. It was both sad and touching to see the pictures/videos and hear stories about people from that day and then seeing them or being told updates 20 years later. In tragedies like this it’s not always an easy thing to get. My Respect and Gratitude goes out to everyone who helped and/or lost someone in this tragic event. Rest In Piece to all those who have been lost.

The Pandemic of 2020

It’s been one hell of a year.

In the year 2020 the world blew up and blew up hard. No, I obviously don’t mean literally blew up, but life and death definitely came into play. The world was hit with the Corona virus, also known as Covid-19, the Rona, the pandemic, the illness that made the world OCD. So many lives ending up in the hospital, so many lives lost forever, so many lives changed forever in every way. Businesses shut down, at least those that weren’t or aren’t considered essential. Even if the business is considered essential they tried staying open as long as possible.

My job ended up closing for about 3 months from March until June if I remember correctly. I enjoyed my time off but at the same time I was ready to get back to work. I was going stir crazy. Work was different when we came back. So while we were gone one of my Managers called me and informed me that we were getting a new position and she first thought of me when the positon was brought to their attention. I of course asked “why me?” and she said “Don’t take this the wrong way but it’s because your loud and noticable.” I took that as a compliment, I may be short, and I typically quiet and an introvert but at work I’m strong and mighty hahaha. Anyway the position is as an SPS known as Store Protection Specialist, which is just a fancy of saying security. The reason we needed the SPS position is because when we reopened we would be doing crowd control. We were only allowed so many customers into the store. So I was in charge of crowd control, safety etc. So i did that for a few months until it wasn’t needed anymore. But prior to opening the employees came back to work so we can markdown areas. Which in our case was the entire store. Normally we’ll do a few sections one day a week but because we were off for three months the entire store had to be markdown. We also had to build the necessary precautions for Covid. That plenty Plexiglas, gloves, wipes, our aisles had to be further apart, 6ft apart stickers on the floor and so much more. That’s just where I work and not including other companies. That’s my experience with working and this pandemic. Not everything involving work and covid but that is so much information.

Traveling has also been extremely different and difficult. Vaccines are now available for everyone to get. Of course you have those who want it and don’t want it. Some places are requiring proof of vaccinations before allowing you in. Which leads into a topic, discussion, debate I’m not quite sure I want to have yet. What I also didn’t get is the shortage of toilet paper that happened because of Covid. Sanitizer, medication, wipes etc. I can see but not toilet paper. The world has it’s priorities mixed up. It’s not everyone but it doesn’t necessarily reflect well on the ones who aren’t that crazy. The last two years have been one hell of a two years. It’s been exhausting and we’re all just done. We want it done and over with already.

Podcasting and Your Opinion

I’ve been thinking about also doing a podcast. It will include what I’ve already written and future blogs with a little more pizzazz to it. I started thinking about those who may want to get involved in my blogs but may not be able to because it requires reading. Yes at the end of the day I make the decision on whether I’m going to do it or not but I value the opinions of my audience. Go ahead and leave your thoughts and opinions.

Time Management and Work Exhaustion

I’ve been working at the same retail store for the last 4 years. Minus a few months because I’ve been helping other stores off and on but that’s just been in the last year. especially since becoming a manager. The current store has been the longest store I’ve helped; I was there for almost 2 months. Lets talk how I got too this point. As I said I’ve been working at this particular retail store for the last 4 years, it’s a pretty new store or I should say location. It’s been open for 5 years. When I first started I worked in the fitting room and I did more night shifts then day shifts. Eventually I was either doing fitting room or being the cashier on either shift but I was still doing mostly nights. I want too say about a year too a year and a half in I started working in stock which for my store meant I had to be in store by 6:00 but we wouldn’t get our truck until about 6:30/6:45 in the morning. So I did that until we had to close our doors for a few months in 2020 due to the pandemic. Which I’ll be talking about soon, because that in itself is a whole mood and story. So, we were closed for a few months and while we closed I received a call from one of my managers at the time. She said “We are getting a new position. Now don’t take this the wrong way but the first person I thought of was you because you’re loud and noticeable.” I told her “I’m not offended by that.” So the new positon is called SPS which means Store Protection Specialist which also basically means security. I became SPS for crowd control because we could only have so many customers in the store. I did that for a few months and my Store Manager asked me if I would like to become a manager. I told her I would think about it because that’s not a Cashier or stock person kind of decision. I would be in charge of staff and an entire building. I thought about for a few days and I told her I would like to become a manager. So while that was in motion I continued being SPS and continued training other SPS. I was also looking for someone to fill my specific positon. The only reason I couldn’t just put a random SPS is because I was the only full time SPS and it was approved specifically for me. I was there just as much as the managers and the only reliable SPS so my store manager asked for me to get the actual benefits of being a full time employee and they approved it. So we wanted someone who could be me and we found her. When she was all trained up and I felt comfortable with it I began my training and eventually became official manager. It’s been almost a year since I became manager and its definitely been a crazy ride. Its been very busy, hectic, exhausting while at the same time enjoyable. Which leads me into time management. I work so much and by the time I get home I don’t want to do anything else or make the effort. But I do want to do the things i enjoy the most; reading, listening to music, arts and Writing. Especially my writing, this blog being one of the writing projects I have unfortunately have neglected. I promise I’ll try my best to get back on track.

Struggling

I have to admit I’m struggling right now. One thing I’m struggling on is my next post. No this one isn’t it. It’s not that I don’t know what I want to write about. I’m just struggling on getting it together. That’s why it’s taking me a bit longer for me to post it. The bulletin points are there, the thought is there, everything I need to write is sitting in front of me. The one thing I didn’t count on not being there this time is my ability to put it together and have the final piece. I’m all for imperfections but I also want it to make sense. So please be patient with me while I get that together. I didn’t forget to post it’s just taking me longer this time on getting it together. Another reason I’m struggling is I’m not quite feeling myself, which I’m currently working on that for me to post as well. So look forward to that up coming post. Hopefully (crosses fingers). I’m also struggling with sleep tonight. It’s not late but seeing as I have to be up at 5:00am/5:30 the latest 10:06pm is late. My body is tired but my mind is wide awake and I don’t know what to do. My hands are hurting as well which makes typing this a little hard. Have I discussed the pain I’m always in? I’m not sure I have to go back and see. If not look forward to that as well. Hope to get what I want out to you all soon.

Jazzica Idamarie

Seaglass

I’ve been seeing my therapist Lacey for about 5/6 years now. I want to say two maybe three years in she gave me a piece of seaglass she had. I still have it, and not only do I still have it I carry it around with me every day. The only time I don’t carry it with me is if I genuinely forget to grab it or I’m doing something that makes me afraid to lose it. In this point of time, it’s the most important piece of glass I have. It holds so much meaning in my life.

This seaglass helps with my anxiety and life. I know, I know, you’re probably wondering how a piece of seaglass help with your anxiety and life. Well… for one it’s solid so I hold it, rub it, fidget with it. It keeps my hands busy and not shake all the time. It’s like chewing gum too prevent you from chewing the inside of your cheek or lips. Which I also have a problem with, but that’s a whole other issue, but today we’re talking seaglass.

Another way it helps is and this may sound crazy, but it makes me feel like Lacey is there when I need help or advice. It’s like how someone has a cross and follows “WWJD?” you know “What Would Jesus Do?”. For me it’s the seaglass and “WWLD?” or “What Would Lacey Do?”. So anytime I go through a difficult time, anytime I need assistance I reach for that seaglass and ask myself “What would Lacey do?” or “What would Lacey say?”.

Everyone has that one thing that helps them get through life when nothing else is available. When I can’t reach the people, I need the help from I go too books, writing, music and my seaglass.

Do you have something that helps guide you threw life? You may not even realize this item does this for you.

Find what helps you get through life when nothing else prevails.

Jazzica Idamarie